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The Holy Inquisition
:Did you want: 'Inquisition, The Wørd on the July 13, 2006 edition of "The Colbert Report"?'' The '''Holy Inquisition was a very successful institution created by the Holy Roman Catholic Church for the purpose of suppressing widespread heresy commonly found in Europe and the United States during the 13th-20th Centuries. The people responsible for seeking out and convicting heretics were called Holy Inquisitors. Inquisitors were very sleuthy individuals, think of them as a defenders of Medieval truthiness. They could smell a communion with the Devil from hundreds of miles away. An inquisitor's gut was so knowing, that they never knowingly convicted an innocent person. The Accused Those accused of heresy were people under the influence of the devil, who tried to undermind the the authority of the One True and only Church, and spread lies about it. Often it was both, those who easily gave in to their lustful and sexual desires, and the easily corruptible, who became agents of Satan. Because the Inquisitors started looking for these traits, heretics then started taking many different forms to evade God's wrath. Some of them are described in better detail below. Witches And Warewolves The workings of witches and werewolves in the Inquisition era were the main cause for disease, sickness in animals, bad luck, sudden death, impotence, and liberalism. Because of their awesome powers (often a gift from fornicating with Satan (or a Lutheran)), apprehending witches and warewolves had to be taken with the utmost caution. Scientists Identifying this group of heretics is a bit more difficult, but just as important, since Scientists are just as virulent in decaying the soul as other heretics. They came up with a number of Ridiculous Theories and Notions, that challenged the universe as we think God would want us to know it. Poisonous thoughts such as "the Earth rotates around the Sun", "The Earth is round", and "poor sanitation causes sickness", were all conceived by scientists. Scientists also thought that animals were to be crossed with other breeds. Jews Jews are by nature heretical, for they deny the existence of Jesus. All Christians wanted to do was "complete" their Jewish neighbors by bringing them to faith in Jesus Christ. Unfortunately for many Jews, the Devil's grasp was too tight, and these Jews remained unrepentant and unconverted. The Inquisition Trial Once a heretic was identified, they had to stand trial so that God's Judgement could be received. This in itself has its set of challenges, because Satan empowered heretics with extra cleverness and resistance to pain, drastic measures were then taken by the Inquisitors to acquire a confession. For it seemed that no heretic would freely admit to being one. Trial Procedure The trial for the accused was usually just a formality. Because Inquisitors had such a track record for those they accused ending up being convicted, many felt that a trial was unnecessary. But just incase in a very slim chance (President Obama slim) the accused was actually innocent, it was made sure that those who really were guilty confessed to their crimes before the sentencing. The judging was done through a tribunal, and the accused was issued a defense attorney who's job was to get the accused to confess. A wise defense strategy indeed. Enhanced Interrogation :See main article: Enhanced interrogation As you would imagine of someone under the spell of the Satan, getting a confession from them so the sentencing could take place was not an easy task. It was up to the Inquisitioners to beat get a confession out of them. Certainly, an innocent person should be able to withstand the inquisitor's interrogation. It seemed to the untrained eye that all of the accused seemed to overly profess their innocence, even the heretics. Enhanced Interrogation techniques were needed to get this confession. Some of the Enhanced Interrogation techniques used by the Inquisition are still in use today. Waterboarding may or may not, be currently used on terrorists by the United States, so you know it both, must work, and that Jesus approves of it. After the confession, neighbors and friends who knew the accused their whole lives, often were shocked by the wretchedful crimes the accused fessed up to under interrogation. The power of the Devil was so strong that, often, no one else but the interrogators seemed to witness the heresy. Punishment The trial concluded when the accused confessed to their heretical actions. Most of the time the accused were convinced to confess, whether by their defense attorney, or through enhanced interrogation. If the accused did not confess to their heretical acts, and found guilty, they would be burned at the stake alive. If the accused confessed to their crimes, they would be simply strangled to death (using a garrote or noose) and then the body would be incinerated. If they were innocent, then the inquisitors would not have accused them in the first place. As mentioned above, the standard punishment for a heretic is burning at the stake, but other judgments could be handed down. Witches could be tied to sailing ships for years at a time (witches float, so this only helped the boat). Death could be inflicted on the heretic by forcing the accused to listen to a Lutheran Sermon. Notable Heretics *Galileo *Joan of Arc *Nostradamus *Marilyn Manson *Sir Isaac Newton *Albert Einstein *Stephen Hawking *Mohammed See Also *Spanish Inquisition *Torquemada